Good communication skills are perhaps the most invaluable skills one can have. Regardless of how much you know or how good you are at a specific task, without the ability to express yourself clearly and efficiently, you’ll never progress as far in your personal, professional or spiritual being as you could have if you had this ability.
Luckily, great communicators are made, not born. But there are subtle differences between the sexes, according to Joy Vanderbeck, an Arlington-based Relationship Coach for the past 27 years.
Joy stresses that contrast in biology, anatomy, and genes provide the initial reason for gender miscommunication, while the influences of society account for the fundamentally contrasting ways in which men and women select the messages they send and transmit to others. Understanding these differences can offer fascinating insights into both the process of information transmission and the contrast between the sexes.
Believing that the joyful integration of mind, body and spirit brings people true-life success, Joy balances speaking engagements with one-on-one motivational coaching on all types of relationship issues.
Q: What is the main difference between the way men and women talk?
JOY: Women tend to view a situation more from a “feeling” viewpoint rather than from logic. Since many women are “external processors,” they gain awareness of how they feel by reviewing events and the feelings about those events. They need to talk about it until they have gained a sense of peace. If they are not allowed to do this, women may feel unheard, and as if the man does not care about her feelings.
Men typically approach situations much more logically. When men hear of a problem, their thought processes automatically goes go to wanting to fix the problem, rather than hearing about the way the woman feels about it.
Q: What are some common communication traps, and how can you correct them?
JOY: Our communications skills were programmed into our subconscious mind as children. Whatever we saw modeled is what we tend to repeat as adults, without even realizing that what we are doing may be only taking us further away from our goals of the love that we all deserve and want.
Attack and Defend is probably the biggest communication killer. When person A makes a statement that attacks person B (either their person or their behavior), the most common response is for person B to defend. When person B moves into defend mode, person A is seen as the enemy. No good resolution has ever come from this dynamic.
Win-Lose communication is another trap people often fall into. Person A is determined that they are right and person B is wrong. They feel the need to win rather than to resolve. The two begin to play the “Right—Wrong Game.” Whether they are being rational or not does not matter to them. Their only concern is that they win and the other person loses.
Q: Does emotion play a role in effective communication?
JOY: Yes, often when people’s emotions become involved in communication, the person’s sense of centeredness and rationale is lost. All too often, past hurts are triggered by unhealthy communication. When this occurs, people begin to communicate through the eyes of a wounded past rather than from the heart of a present situation.
Q: How does relationship coaching work, and what are its benefits?
JOY: A relationship coach guides you to discovery and understanding of your strengths and weaknesses in all relationships – with empowering communication skills. My motto is: Bring it back to love! I work with people to help them gain empathy and understanding of their partner, friend, relative, co-worker or child.
(published in Metro Woman Directory, Volume 4, Issue 10)
